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My Opinion: Preparing for that Great Day

I see that we have yet another End of the World prediction for this year. As a Christian, of course, this is not a source of dread but of anticipation for me. And I must admit that — even though the Bible clearly and repeatedly states that NOBODY has got the Timetable — whenever somebody comes out with a supposedly iron-clad, guaranteed schedule for the Big Day, I do find myself thinking, “Wow. What IF …?!”

Last year, Harold Camping promised us that May 21 was gonna be IT, and when that day came and went, his fall-back selection was Oct. 21. Having already made the Only Necessary Preparations for The Day many years ago, a lot of us had a Large Time on Facebook on Oct. 20, discussing What All We Were NOT Going to Do That Day — Since It Wouldn’t Matter Anymore After Tomorrow Anyway — just on the off-chance the guy had somehow managed to get it right this time.

All over America, and certainly in my own home, floors went un-vacuumed. I personally saw no reason whatsoever to spend all day de-dog-hairing our house, if we were all going to be vacating the premises the very next day. Checks for bills went un-written — what a delightful thought, that we might never have to do that again. 

Nobody saw any point in beginning a diet or exercise program — since we would all be receiving Perfectly Heavenly Bodies within the next 24 hours. To the contrary, I think a good many folks ate a lot of their very favorite things, quite possibly to excess even, in anticipatory celebration of the End of The World As We Know It. Meaning that we will be going to the Land of Milk and Honey — no, wait, is that Heaven or Canaan? I get confused but whatever — hel-lo! There will be No Dietary Restrictions in Heaven, I am certain of it … counting on it.

Some folks felt compelled to get their roots done, shave their legs and dress nicely for the occasion. Others chimed in that, according to their own interpretations of the Scriptures, we would all be going NAKED. That’s almost enough to make me cancel my Reservation! Ack! What a dreadful thought. To see or to be seen, which would be more traumatic? I can scarcely bear to ponder it. I banished that thought from my mind and assured myself that, above all, God is good — and thus, He will have a Satisfactory Plan for this situation. I believe if we’re to be naked, we’ll all be gorgeous, and it will be fine. Otherwise, it just won’t be a time when outfits matter. This thought allowed me to breathe freely again.

However, Oct. 21 came and went, dawn to dusk … glaringly Trumpetless. Our vacuuming, bill-paying, and dieting resumed, albeit with some wistful sighs of What Might Have Been, but with no doubts about What Is Still to Come. 

BUT, they tell us, the Mayans made a calendar like, a billion or so years ago (give or take, I rounded up) that absolutely, positively, 100-percent guarantees that the End of the World WILL DEFINITELY — and THIS TIME WE MEAN IT — be Dec. 21, 2012. 

Two thoughts come to my mind right off the bat. First of all, what is the obsession that all these predictors seem to have with the 21st day of the month? Am I missing something significant about the 21st? Nobody ever predicts the 3rd or the 17th — or any other date — it’s always on the 21st. 

Second, as to the Mayan calendar: I can’t help but think they woulda made a longer calendar if they’da had a BIGGER ROCK.



Jill Conner Browne is a multiple #1 New York Times® Best Seller.

Simon & Schuster published her latest book American Thighs: The Sweet Potato Queen’s Guide to Preserving Your Assets. She is featured regularly in national and international magazines and television shows. You can learn more about “Her Royal Highness” at sweetpotatoqueens.com

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