It’s All About the Chirren
If you have read my books — and I certainly hope for all our sakes’ that you HAVE —you are aware of my feelings regarding Men and their Hair. For the Unfortunate Few who might not have had the illuminating experience of reading my opinions on this matter, I will elaborate briefly.
It is my firmly-held belief that men should not spend more than 5 minutes at a time on their hair — including shampooing. Guys, in my opinion, should have Guy Hair, which is, by definition, extremely low (if not NO) maintenance. This means that there should be no “styling” involved — no products save something to clean it and occasionally condition it. There should be no special equipment required for men to ready their hair for public viewing.
A woman I know was married (emphasis on “was”) for a time to a Man with a Hair-Do. He maintained an arsenal of gels, goos and sprays, which he applied to this ‘do every single day and sometimes more than once a day, if multiple showerings occurred. (I shudder when I think of it to this day — for two cents, I could work up an actual gag — terribly off-putting.) At any rate, toward the End of Their Days, she happened by the open door of his steamy bathroom one morning as he was laboring over his coif, just in time to see him THROW HIS HAIRBRUSH AT THE MIRROR in frustration, because HIS HAIR WOULDN’T “DO” RIGHT. This put him, in her esteem, on a par with a hormonally-disturbed teenaged girl, and all hope for reconciliation was lost — along with all traces of anything like respect. I mean, really. How could she be expected to take him seriously ever again after that?
I am personally baffled by the current hairstyle sported by numerous young male Hollywood types: the one where, using great gobs of gel to hold it in place, they comb all their hair STRAIGHT UP TO A POINT ON TOP OF THEIR HEADS. So, what is the deal? They want to look like Alfalfa, Ed Grimly or the Gerber Baby? And this is to attract whom, exactly?
The Cutest Boy in the World has, of course, always had excellent Guy Hair — and by that I mean GROWN-UP Guy Hair. The Gerber baby is/was adorable, but I prefer a bit more masculinity in my masculine-types. TCBITW is well aware that I prefer to be The Girl, and I’m quite fond of him being The Guy. However, for the last year or so, he has threatened repeatedly to take the dog shears to his pate in order to achieve an absolutely maintenance-free head of hair, which is, admittedly, a manly-enough look, but I just find the tennis ball texture of it to have a fairly-high ick-factor and so have lobbied against it.
But then, Parade time rolled around — and you know our motto: ANYTHANG FOR THE CHIRREN. He came up with the idea of auctioning off the right to shave his head — to raise money for our beneficiary, Blair E. Batson Children’s Hospital in Jackson, Mississippi. Well, how was I supposed to say no to that? I couldn’t, of course, and so he got his wish for a boot camp haircut. (He actually got more than that. We shaved it slick and then sold tattoos (also for the Chirren) and covered his newly bald head with ‘em.
Now, a few months down the road, the Grow Out process is in full swing, and it is a sight to behold. He has got THE straightest hair EVER and so far, it is growing STRAIGHT OUT of his head — all over his head. A man at church asked him just this week, “How do you make it stand up like that?” But the truth is: we can’t find ANYTHING that will make it LIE DOWN!
He looks like he’s got either a sea urchin or perhaps a small hedgehog on his head. But, it was worth it — for the Chirren — and now, for the laughs.
