A Product I Cannot Get ‘Behind’

A Product I Cannot Get ‘Behind’

Ok, NOW I’ve seen EVERYthing and it is, in fact, just a tad more than I wanted to see. BOOTY POP PANTIES, a new garment apparently intended for those poor individuals afflicted with Tiny Hiney Syndrome (a pox on them and their tiny hineys). 

I’d seen a middle-of-the-night infomercial for them and then my seester, Judy sent me a link to a website offering them for sale — my eyes were assaulted at every turn with faux fannies.

As a Plentifully Posterior-ed Woman, I am agog and aghast at the very idea that anybody would be seeking to ENLARGE his or her rear end on an ongoing daily basis. Cumulatively speaking, I have spent literally years of my life searching for tunics long enough to camouflage my backside. Rarely do I leave the house NOT wearing something made of heavy-duty Lycra on one or more body parts. As THE Sweet Potato Queen, of course, I understand completely the desire to have a behind the size of the SUN for a Parade costume … once a year. But in “real life,” it has been my lifelong endeavor to reduce and/or conceal the ample amplitude that follows me everywhere I go. So I have no concept of  — or appreciation for — paying U.S. dollars for a pair of panties with a pre-fab bohunkus included.

But, if I did, I cannot imagine that these would ever do! The “cheeks” appear to be about the size of an average English muffin. I can’t see that adding such a miniscule dollop to one’s derriere would achieve much beyond possibly making one’s pants too tight. Didn’t seem like much of a “pop” was provided — a poof, at best. Really. My idea of something in the “pop” department would require at least a good-sized cantaloupe. But then, I should think a larger size outer garment would then be required to accommodate the passenger(s). 

The big question that comes up, for me, where any kind of augmenting undergarments are concerned is this:  who is the target audience? For whom are we wearing augmented underpants and/or bras? I would assume the point is an attempt to make ourselves more pleasing somehow to Someone Else?

Are we thinking that our bottoms and/or tops don’t quite measure up to someone’s expectations and/or desires and are we seeking, by donning these auxiliary fat pads, to trick them into thinking we are more pulchritudinous than we actually are, deep down, underneath our underwear? 

Assuming that the subterfuge works, and the Intended is indeed attracted by the “pop,” a few other questions pop up in my mind. Namely, what if the pop were pinched? The pincher would know but the pinch-ee would be oblivious. How to explain that? And if we’re talking explanations here, I can envision another scenario that definitely calls for one — but I draw a blank as to what that might conceivably be, other than the truth and in that case, what was the point? 

And what if you got caught in the rain? That pop would soak up water and your tush cushion would be hitting you in the back of the knees. Total Glamour “Don’t.”